


How's that for a Slice of Fried Gold?

by lupinsblackdog



Category: Hot Fuzz (2007), Shaun of the Dead, The World's End (2013)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 08:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11665653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lupinsblackdog/pseuds/lupinsblackdog
Summary: A cross over of all three Cornetto Trilogy films





	1. Chapter 1

Seven Months Earlier~

There was a sharp knock on the door of Gary Kings room. Gary, who had been half asleep on his bed, got up and walked to the door. A hand pushed it open as soon as he had turned the doorknob. Gary jumped back. "Yes?"  
   "Talking circle. Now, please." Gary inwardly groaned and followed the man who was dressed in normal everyday clothes. The people who worked in the home weren't to wear clothes which would intimidate the patients. Everyone knew they weren't to be crossed.   
   The hall had chairs laid out in a circle and Gary was guided to one directly opposite the therapist who offered a smile Gary didn't return.   
   Slowly, more and more patients filled the empty chairs. The therapist gave each of them the same smile. Only some returned it. Others couldn't or wouldn't.   
   Once everyone was present, the therapist explained the instructions despite everyone knowing them already. "Each person is going to give a story of the happiest time of their lives. You will listen and take your turn to tell your stories and ask questions. You don't have to if you cannot, but unless this is the case, I wish for you to tell a story. Right. Mary, first." Gary turned to look at the girl on his right. Had she not been so skinny, she might have glowed. She was lovely, in her twenties and no one really knew the details as to why she was there. She shared her story which was short and extremely pleasant. Three more people shared their stories, then the therapist shared the story he always shared. He'd attempted suicide and had been happy to survive. It was a story of hope. Time passed and each person shared their story. "And last but not least, Gary. What's your story?" Gary gazed into space, thinking before he spoke.  
   "Have you ever had one of those nights that starts like any other night but ends up being the best night of your life?" He smirked at everyone in turn as he began. "It was June the twenty-second, our final day of school. There were five of us: Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightly and me. They called me the King. Because my name's Gary King." The hall vanished, to be replaced with the image of a teenage Gary, in a fully black outfit-a black trenchcoat, black jeans, black t-shirt, black shoes and black sunglasses. Even black hair. "Me and the boys, we were inseparable: Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of a player but really, he was all mouth. We called him O-Man because he had a birthmark that looked like a six. He loved it." The image was replaced with a teenage Oliver on the phone to someone. They group tries to distract him and he raises his middle finger and mouths 'fuck off'. "Pete was the baby of the group. We sort of took him under our wing. Pete wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang around with but he was good for a laugh and he was absolutely minted." The image became young Peter getting pushed in  the corridor by a much older and bigger student. Then to Peter's garden where Gary cannonballs into Peter's swimming pool, soaking an old man-Peter's dad. "Steve was a cool guy, almost as cool as me. We jammed together, we formed a band, chased the girls. I think he kinda saw us as rivals. Sweet, really." It changed to a young Steven, handsome and tall, smoking with Gary while playing a bass guitar. They see some girls but both spot one particular girl and watch her as she walks past. "And Andy? Well, what can I say? Andy was my wingman. The one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and I'm not being funny, I loved him too. There were a few people we'd miss. Mr Shepherd was cool. I remember one time, he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him I just wanted to have a good time. He thought that was funny. Wasn't meant to be." Many different buildings flicked through a chain like they were on a camera roll. "Newton Haven was our hometown. Our cradle, our playground, our universe and that night it was the site of a heroic quest. The aim? To conquer The Golden Mile. Twelve pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence, terminating at the alehouse that would herald our success: The World's End." Twelve pub signs pass like tarot cards. "There was The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, all before reaching our destiny." The World's End pub sign comes into focus. "We took my car into town. I called it the Beast because she was pretty hairy." The image becomes a black Granada MK2 skidding across a car park. "And so our attempt at The Golden Mile began. We were off. We didn't waste time. We hit pub one and we hit it hard." The group enters The First Post. They sit at a table and down their pints together. "Things got crazy fast. There was drinking, there was fun..." They down pint after pint. Steven chats with an old drinker which makes the rest of the group laugh. "...there was controversy..." A publican holds up a red card to Gary, who protests. "...there were ladies..." They all flirt with three schoolgirls, two have blonde hair and one has red hair. "...there was drama, and of course..." Young Gary punches the wall of a pub bathroom out of frustration. "...there was drinking." They raise a toast together in The Good Companions. "After pub five, we were feeling invincible and decided to procure some herbal refreshments from a man we knew as The Reverend Green." They buy weed from a shifty dealer. Oliver throws up and waves them away. "Pint six put O-Man out of action, so we carried on without him. Good thing. I bumped into his sister in the next pub. We went into the disabled toilets and I bumped into her again." Gary flirting with the pretty girl that both him and Steven were checking out earlier. "Sam tagged along for a while but in the end I had to let her go. I had another date that night, and her name was Amber." The boys clash pints and have reached The Beehive. "Nine pints in and it was us against the world; least it felt like it." Drinks are spilt, a brawl starts and Andy is at the centre. "After The Beehive, we had to lay low and so we repaired to the bowls club, or as we liked to call it: The Smokehouse. And that's when it all went fuck up." They approach a bowling green clubhouse to smoke pot. "Everyone got para and Pete chucked a whitey so we had to bench him." They leave a comatose Peter on a park bench. "In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills." Gary, Andy and Steven stagger down a dark alley. "We thought about taking the Beast but eventually decided against it." The Beast crashes into a wall, smoke rising. "Don't know how we got up there in the end. Maybe Lady Luck was with us after all." Gary, Andy and Steven sit on a hilltop and look out across Newton Haven. A shooting star streaks across the sky. Andy puts an arm around Gary. It is the beautiful idyllic of youth. "I remember sitting up on top of that hill, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, seeing the orange glow of a new dawn break and knowing in my heart, life would never feel this good again. And you know what?" The images vanished and the hall came back into focus. "It never did." Gary looked around at all the faces either blank, or in awe. He smiled broadly and leaned back in his chair. Only now were the resemblances between 1990 Gary and 2012 Gary so strong.   
   "Thank you, Gary. That was very enlightening. Would anyone like to speak or maybe challenge Gary?" A small voice came from Gary's left. He turned to look at the pale young man beside him.   
   "Are you disappointed?"  
   "About what?"  
   "That you didn't make it to The World's End?" Gary's face flickered with sadness before answering.   
   "No." He zoned out and was eventually led back to his room.


	2. Shaun

Shaun rushed home from work, just to call Liz as she got home from work herself. He dialled her number which he knew by heart and she picked up on the second buzz.   
"Hello?"  
"Liz, hello."  
"Shaun! How are you?"  
"I'm good thanks. Listen, Ed and I are going out later. Do you wanna come with us? You can bring David and Di."  
"Um...sure. Where are you going?"  
"Old Familiar." He thought he heard her sigh.  
"Yeah, okay. What time?"  
"Eight?"  
"Cool. See you then. Bye, bye, bye."   
Shaun put the phone down and walked into the lounge, picked up a half finished beer and drunk from it.   
"How was work?" Ed, who had spent day playing the same game and it moved to piss or buy more beer, mumbled.   
"Same old, same old." Ed nodded in response. "Wanna come out later?"  
"Old Familiar?"  
"Of course."  
"Sure. Eight?"  
"Yeah. Probably till gone midnight."   
"Nice. Have you any spare change?"  
"Um...maybe. Hang on." Shaun dug around in his pockets and pulled out 2 £1 coins and chucked them at Ed.   
"Thanks."  
"For drugs?"  
"Nah. Fruit Machine."  
"Oh okay." Shaun finished the beer, sat beside Ed and picked up the second controller. An electronic voice said 'Player 2 had entered the game'. "Ed, just saying that we have two hours. Do you want a take-out or...?"  
"Sure."  
"Indian?"  
"Nah. Chinese?"  
"Sure. I'll call them in a bit." Ed smiled as he shot a fictional zombie in the head.   
45 minutes later, they were surrounded by boxes of Chinese food. Ed was again immersed in the videogame. Shaun put the food on two plates and they ate in silence.   
"Shit, we have ten minutes!" Shaun scrambled for the bathroom to brush his teeth and piss. He heard the from door slam and greeted Pete as he came back down the stairs. "Ed, please brush your teeth. We need to go!"  
"Chill out." Ed murmured and stomped up the stairs.   
"The Old Familiar?" Pete asked as he removed his jacket.  
"Yes..."  
"You have work tomorrow, Shaun."  
"I know. It'll be fine. I won't drink much."  
"But you need sleep."  
"Yeah...I'll get around six hours. It'll be fine."Pete nodded, not bothering to argue and went into the lounge. Shaun winced before the shouting started.   
"For fucks sake, I can barely cross the room for all the crap in here! Ed i swear to god if this isn't clear by tomorrow, I will kick you out!" Pete's voice echoed through the house. He stormed through the kitchen and flicked the kettle on.  
"Pete, it wasn't just him. I forgot to bin the Chinese food boxes." Shaun ran to throw them out, and took the plates and cutlery into the kitchen for the dishwasher.   
Ed came downstairs, stomping louder than necessary.   
"Right. We'll see you later. We'll try not to wake you when we come in later." Ed left silently and Shaun waved and smiled at Pete before the door closed.   
They arrived at five past eight, the group of people they were meeting was already sat at a table, looking miserable. Shaun sat opposite a woman with short blonde hair hanging above her shoulders in curls. She didn't need make-up to look beautiful. Something was on her mind which contorted her features slightly.  
"Shaun..."  
"Liz?"  
"You brought Ed." Shaun frowned in confusion.  
"I told you I was."  
"But you then told me to bring David and Di." She pointed to the two people beside her, neither tried to hide their annoyance. "This isn't their scene and really, it's not mine. You always bring Ed out when we go out. I wish we could, for once, go out without Ed, David or Di. It isn't fair on us or them." Shaun had zoned out completely, thinking of each and every date that him and Liz had gone on. Ed had, indeed, been at each and every one of them. They had all been at the same place, too. The landlord called for last orders and Shaun lot a cigarette and drew on it.   
"Shaun?" He didn't respond. "Shaun?" Liz's voice filled with concern. He came back to reality.   
"Yeah."  
"Do you see what I'm saying?"  
"Yeah, totally." He struggled to hide the guilt in his voice.  
"You shouldn't feel so responsible."  
"Yeah..."  
"I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him."  
"I know..." He was growing bored of the conversation.  
"It's not that I don't like Ed." She turned to her left and raised her voice as she said, "Ed, it's not that I don't like you." Ed stopped playing a horror themed game on the fruit machine to reply.   
"S'alright."  
"It'd just be nice if we could-"  
"Fuck!" Ed interrupted as he didn't win on the fruit machine, and hit it.  
"-spend a bit more time together-"  
"Bollocks!"  
"-just the two of us-"  
"Cock it!" There was a short silence.  
"We have a laugh, don't we?"  
"Yeah..." Shaun and Liz shared a some and an inside joke. Shauns shoulders dropped as he temporarily relaxed.  
"But with Ed always here, it's no wonder I end up bringing my flatmates out. Then that only exacerbates things."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, you guys hardly get along do you?"  
"No, what does exacerbate mean?"  
"Oh, it means 'to make things worse'."  
"Oh, right. Look, it's not that I don't like David and Di." He turned to look at them. "Guys, it's not that I don't like you..." They replied in unison.  
"That's alright." They both caught eye contact and sighed, their entwined hands tightening.  
"And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, because I do. It's just, Ed doesn't really have too many friends..."  
"Can I get any of you cunts a drink?" Shaun sighed and closed his eyes with embarrassment. "Anybody?" David answered for himself and Dianne.  
"No thanks."  
"I'm fine thanks, Ed." Liz offered a weak smile.   
"Pint, Shaun?" He nodded and Ed held out a hand. Shaun gave him a fiver.   
"I know friends are important to Shaun, but you've got to set aside quality time for just the two of you. I know I would, if I was Lizzy's boyfriend." David looked at Liz with affection as Dianne cut in.  
"Or get out more. Daffs is always taking me to see his listed buildings, I'm always dragging him to the theatre."  
"I'm not too hot on theatre." Shaun tried not to sound bored.  
"Well how about a nice meal? You could go to that place me and Daffs go to. The place that does all the fish. It's your anniversary soon, isn't it?"  
"It was last week." Shaun glared at David.  
"Oh, did you do anything special?"  
"We came here." Liz said, with a faint smile.  
"Yeah, but it was just me and you." Shaun said.  
"And Ed." Liz sighed.  
"He wasn't with us."  
"He was sitting at the bar. It's not the same."  
"Shauny, hog lumps!" A packet of Pork Scratchings hit Shaun on the side of the face.   
"Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more." Shaun offered her a Pork Scratching which she declined. "More than spending every night in The Old Familiar. I mean, I'm 29. I've got things I want to do with my life. I want to get out there, do more interesting stuff, live a little, but I'd love to be able to do it with you, but I want you to want to do it too." She laughed grimly, took a Pork Scratching and looked at Shaun with a mixture of exasperation and affection. "I don't want to go on at you, Jesus, listen to me. I'm beginning to sound like your mum. Not that I know what she sounds like." David cut across the conversation.  
"You still haven't met his mum?"  
"Not yet." Shaun bristled.  
"I can't believe you haven't met his mum."  
"It's not that simple..." Liz looked flustered.  
"Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun?" David sneered.  
"No I'm not. I love my mum." Ed returned with the drinks and handed one to Shaun.   
"I love his mum."  
"Ed."  
"She's like butter."  
"Ed!"  
"Shaun-"  
"Guys-"  
"Shaun-"   
"Liz." He raised his hands as if to surrender. "I totally understand what you're saying and I agree, really I do. We should get out there. Do more interesting stuff. Together. We'll start tomorrow. I'll book a restaurant. The place that does all the fish. We'll do it properly. Just the two of us. Things'll change. Promise."  
"Really, Shaun?" The landlord called again and Shaun zoned out again. "Shaun?"   
"Yeah..." He almost whispered. The bell rung and people got up to leave.


	3. Nicholas

Nicholas woke at 11 to the phone in his apartment ringing loudly. He got up and ran to answer the phone.   
"Hello?" He voice was more than a croak.   
"Nicholas Angel? The sergeant wants to see you this morning. Says it's urgent." It was too early for fear to cross Nicholas's mind.  
"Okay, thank you." He hung up. Nicholas walked into the kitchen and made a coffee. While he waited for it to cool, he put cereal and milk into a bowl. He then watered his Japanese Peace Lily on the windowsill and sat down with his breakfast.   
He lived in a house that the police service had provided for him; a flat next to the main building.  
At ten to one Nicholas, in his full uniform, left his flat. He ran down the stairs and out of the building and walked straight into the police headquarters.  
Three knocks on the Sergeant's door and he walked in.   
"Hello Nicholas. How's the hand?" Nicholas's mind flashed back to the day last December when a man dressed as Father Christmas stabbed him, the knife going all the way through his hand. The pain had almost made him black out.  
"Still a bit stiff."  
"It can get awfully hairy out there." The Sergeant closed his hands together in front of him. "I'm surprised you hadn't been snapped up into a nice desk job. That's what I did."  
"I prefer to think my office is out on the street."  
"Indeed you do. Your arrest record is four hundred percent higher than any other officer. It's high time such skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant." A wave of euphoria flowed over him. "In Newton Haven." Nicholas barely heard him.  
"In where, sorry?"  
"In Newton Haven."  
"That's...in the country." Nicholas sighed.   
"Yes, lovely."  
"Isn't there a Sergeants position here in London?"  
"No."  
"Can I remain here as a PC?"  
"No."  
"Do I have any choice in this?" He frowned at the Sergeant.  
"No."  
"But I like it here."  
"You always said you wanted to transfer to the country."  
"In twenty years or so, yes."  
"Well done you." Confusion consumed him.  
"Hang on, I don't remember telling you that."  
"Yes you did." He looked shyly at his notes. "You said 'I'd love to settle down in the country sometime, Janine.'" Embarrassment. Pure embarrassment caused a blush to raise to his cheeks. Followed by rage.   
"I'd like to talk to the Inspector."  
"You can talk to the Inspector, but I can promise he'll say exactly the same as I am." The Inspector walked through the door, as if he'd been stood there waiting to be called in.  
"Hello Nicholas. How's the hand?" He opened his mouth to reply, but the Sergeant had already replied for him.  
"Still a bit stiff."  
"How are things at home?" This question shocked Nicholas.  
"I'm sorry, sir?"  
"How's Janine?"  
"We're no longer together, sir-"  
"So where are you living now?"  
"He's in the Section House, sir." Nicholas glared at the Sergeant.   
"With all the recruits?"  
"Yes, he's living out of cardboard boxes." The Sergeant sent a sickly sweet smile towards Nicholas.  
"Well then, you're packed already. Nicholas, we're offering you a smashing position and a delightful cottage in a lovely little place that's been voted 'Village of the Year' I don't know how many times. It'll be good for you."  
"I don't really know what to day-to-day"  
"Yes."  
"Yes, thank you." Nicholas looked helplessly at the Sergeant and the Inspector in turn.  
"No, I'm sorry sir, I want to-"  
"you want to take this higher?"  
"Yes. Yes I do."  
"You want me to bother the chief inspector with this?"  
"Yes I do."  
"You want me to get the chief inspector to come all the way down here?"  
"Yes."  
"Kenneth?" The inspector called towards the door and the chief inspector entered just as the inspector had: as if waiting outside.  
"Hello Nicholas. How's the hand?" Both the Sergeant and the Inspector answered before Nicholas got the chance to.   
"Still a bit stiff."  
"Chief inspector-"  
"Keep your seat. Now, I know what you're going to say, but the fact is, you've been making us all look bad." Nicholas's jaw dropped.  
"I'm sorry, sir?"  
"Of course, we all appreciate your efforts but you're rather letting the side down."  
"I'm not sure I-"  
"It's all about being a team player, Nicholas."  
"You can't be the Sheriff of London." That sickly sweet smile returned.  
"If we let you carry on running around town, you'll continue to be exceptional and we can't have that. You'll put us all out of a job."  
"With respect, Sir, you can't just make people disappear."  
"Yes I can. I'm the chief inspector."  
"However you spin this there's one thing you haven't taken into account. And that's what the 'team' is going to make of this." He stood and stormed over to the door which opened before he'd reached for the handle. In front of him was the entire force stood under a banner which read "Good Luck Nicholas".


	4. Gary

Gary pulled up outside a car showroom, the Granada parked on double yellow lines. He didn't bother locking it and walked through the double doors. His black trenchcoat blew in the wind, and he didn't bother to remove his sunglasses once inside. He sauntered over to a new, shiny model of car. A salesman walked over and stood beside him. They admired the car silently for a moment.   
   "She's a beauty." The man said quietly.  
   "Oh yes. But she's no Beast. Hello Peter." Gary turned to look at Peter and removed his glasses. Peter jumped.   
   "Jesus! Gary?" He placed a hand over his heart as if to slow it down.  
   "The once and future King." A smug smile pulled at Gary's mouth.  
   "Were you outside my house this morning?" Gary's smile faulted.  
   "No."  
   "I could have sworn I saw you on my street earlier."  
   "I've never been to Bishop's Gardens." A quick punch to the arm changed the subject. "How you doing man?"   
   "I'm good. You?"  
   "Never better. How's..."  
   "Vanessa?"  
   "No, no, no. Your wife?"  
   "Vanessa."  
   "Yeah. How's she?"  
   "She's good."  
   "Have you had sex yet?" A cheeky grin spread across his face.  
   "We have two children."  
   "Ooh, twice. Get you, fuck machine." Gary laughed at his own joke. "We haven't changed have we?" Peter frowned slightly, doubtful of that statement. A much older man walked up to Peter and Gary.  
   "What is he doing here?" He pointed a finger at Gary.  
   "It's alright, dad. We're fine."  
   "Hello, Mr P." Gary smirked and waved. Peters dad walked away, after glaring at Gary. "He looks well."  
   "So what can I do for you, Gary? Are you looking to buy a car?"  
   "No Peter. The End is Nigh."  
   "What?"  
   "The World's End." Peter's face flickered with shock. Regret. Sadness.  
   "What do you mean?"  
   "You know what I mean. One night. Five guys. Twelve pubs. Let battle commence."  
   "You want to try that again?"  
   "Isn't that something you've always wanted?"  
   "Not really, no." Peter took a step back from Gary.  
   "Pete, we didn't make it before but this time we'll see it through to the bitter end. Or lager end."  
   "We?"  
   "Yeah, the whole gang." Gary's excitement showed immensely.  
   "Even Andy?" The light left Gary's eyes.  
   "Why wouldn't Andy be coming?"  
   "I thought that after the accident-"  
   "Not an issue. He's in. Are you?"  
   "I'd have to check with Vanessa."  
   "Who is Vanessa?"  
   "My wife." Peter frowned.  
   "Since when do you have to check with your wife?"  
   "Since we got married?"  
   "Come on, don't you miss it. The laughter, the camaraderie, the fights, the hangovers so fierce it feels like your head is full of ants?"  
   "Maybe the first two."  
   "It begins. What's your new number?"  
   "Same one I've had for ten years."  
   "Yeah. What's that one?" He reached into his pocket, looking for a pen. Peter gave Gary his card reluctantly.  
   "So are you and Andy all straight?"  
   "Yeah. Can I ask you a favour?"  
                                ~  
Gary parked behind a bulldozer and in front of a cement mixer. It was a tight fit, but he managed to park well. He walked through the scaffolding, into the path of a moving digger. It stopped abruptly in order to not run him over, spilling dirt where it stopped. The shout from the driver was unheard because of drilling. He walked up to an empty door frame and tapped on it. "Knock knock." A smart-casually dressed man in a hardhat and a hi-vis jacket walked into the half completed room.  
   "What are you doing here, Gary?"  
   "You're supposed to say 'who's there?'" He pouted before laughing.  
   "I can see who's there. It's you." A smile formed on Stevens face.  
   "I like what you've done with the place. But draughty." Gary gestured towards the empty door frame and the ceiling which...wasn't there. "How's Selina?"  
   "We divorced ten years ago."  
   "Yeah, I know. I was just wondering how she was."  
   "She's very well... apparently."  
   "You got anyone on the go?"  
   "I have, as it happens. She's a fitness instructor. Twenty-six."  
   "Paedophile! Kidding. I'd love to meet her some time."  
   "No. Why are you here?"  
   "Haven't you heard? We're getting the band back together."  
   "I'm not your bass player anymore."  
   "No. I meant I'm getting the boys back together. We can get the band back together as well if you like."  
   "No we can't. You sold my guitar to buy drugs."  
   "I've always wondered, what's that thing above the door called?" Steven wasn't caught off guard like Gary assumed he would be.  
   "A lintel."  
   "So, plan is, we're going back to Newton Haven, to do the Golden Mile and this time we're going to get to The World's End. Everyone's in."  
   "What, even Andy?"  
   "You better believe it, Big Balls."  
   "Andy is going drinking? With you?"  
   "With us. Think about it, go back to the old town, sink a few pints-"  
   "Twelve pints."  
   "Yeah."  
   "Twelve pints is insane."  
   "I know!"  
   "What is this all about, Gary?"  
                                ~  
Gary laid down on a sofa, his feet on the arm. "It's about closure. Why should getting older affect something as important as friendship? A lots changed since then, Oliver." Oliver stared down at Gary and pressed some creases from his suit.  
   "For some of us, yes."  
   "This is a chance to take stock."  
   "A stock take? You make it sound so much fun." He rolled his eyes.  
   "Come on, O-Man. Isn't that something you'd like?"  
   "What is really like is for you to take your DMs off the sofa." Gary sighed and sat up properly.  
   "If you're worried about me, don't be. I'm here to tell you, Gary King is back on the horse." Oliver started.  
   "You're back on the horse?"  
   "I mean, I'm back on the bike."  
   "What is bike?"  
   "What do you mean?"  
   "What is bike slang for?"  
   "Bicycle?"  
   "I'm lost."  
   "Don't be."  
   "Okay."  
   "Look, this is our chance to finally finish what we started. C'mon man, it'll be fucking mental!"  
   "Um...I think we're all done." Gary jumped and stood. A young couple were stood in the doorway.  
   "How do you like the property?" Oliver turned suddenly professional.  
   "It's really lovely. It's just-" She looked at her partner.  
   "It's a little out of our price range."  
   "Oliver'll knock some off for you. How much is it?"  
   "One point two million."  
   "Oh, fuck off!" The young couple, suddenly flustered, exited. Gary turned to Oliver who was not happy.   
   "Gary. W. T. F.?"  
   "It's good to see you too, O-Man."  
   "Gary, please don't call me O-Man."  
   "Sure. Hey, how's your sister?"  
   "She's fine."  
   "Does she ever talk about me?"  
   "No."  
   "So, Friday, we'll go down together. Make a road trip of it. I'll drive."  
   "Don't think I can. I'm pretty sure I have a doctor's appointment." Oliver avoided Gary's eyes.  
   "Yeah. You do. With Dr. Ink! Get it? Dr. Ink? D-R-I-"  
   "Yes, 'Drink'. I get it." Oliver rolled his eyes again.   
   "You gotta come. It wouldn't be the same without you, O-Man."  
   "Jesus."  
   "Look, you can see the guys, see how they're doing. Tell them how you're doing. Hey, you never know, you might make it to the end this time."  
   "And Andy's definitely going?"  
   "Yep."  
   "Andy Knightly?"  
   "Totes."  
   "And you convinced him, how?"  
                                ~  
The secretary walked off to let Andy know Gary was there. Gary didn't know what would happen. The talk with Andy was the one he feared most. She returned.   
   "He is ready for you, Mr King." She led him to the room, watched him sit, then left.  
   Andy stared Gary down. Gary avoided his gaze and swivelled the office chair he was sat on.  
   "This is a bit grown up, isn't it?"  
   "Yup."  
   "Saw the guys the other day."  
   "Did you?" Andy sounded utterly bored.  
   "O-Man, Stevie-baby, the Petertron."  
   "Yes, I remember the names of our childhood friends."  
   "We had ourselves a little idea. We're going back. To Newton Haven." Andy sat forward.   
   "That's a joke, right?"  
   "Five guys. Twelve pubs. Fifty pints."  
   "Sixty."  
   "Steady on, you fucking alky!"  
   "I haven't had a drink for sixteen years."  
   "You must be thirsty then." Andy glared. "Come on, we can catch up, chew the fat, it'll be just like it always was, except this time we're going to finish it. Once and for all."  
   "You have a selective memory."  
   "Thanks."  
   "You remember the Friday nights, I remember the Monday mornings."  
   "That's why we're going back on a Friday." Andy rolled his eyes.  
   "Gary, why do you think none of us live in Newton Haven anymore? Because it's a black hole. It's boring. It always was and it always will be."  
   "It's only boring because we're not there."  
   "It's pointless arguing with you."  
   "Exactly. So come. I'm picking everyone up from High Wycombe station, Friday, three o'clock sharp."  
   "No, Gary."  
   "Don't tell me, you have to check with the missus?" Gary rolled his eyes, but Andy bristled.  
   "No, actually. I don't have to check with the missus." He stood up and pointed at the door. Gary looked from Andy to the door.  
   "What are you doing?"  
   "Showing you the door."  
   "Is that a door?" The door was made of glass with some metal hinges and a door handle. "It doesn't have a lintel. And it's glass. So is it a window or is it a door? I guess it's a windoor. You can have that." Andy sighed impatiently.   
   "Please leave, Gary." Gary looked at Andy, his face sad. So, so sad. He nodded and stood up and placed a full envelope on the desk.   
   "Six hundred wasn't it?" Andy nodded and Gary turned to leave. His face lit up when he suddenly had an idea. "Oh, by the way..." Gary half turned and kept his face toward the floor.  
   "What?"  
   "I thought you should know. Mum died." Andy's arm fell to his side and his jaw fell open slightly.  
   "When?"  
   "Few weeks ago. The Big...Cancer.",   
   "I'm sorry."  
   "With mum dying, I've been thinking about the old days. About that night. I love the boys like brothers, Andy, but when all's said and done, you're the best friend I ever had. It was good to see you, mate." Gary extended a hand to say farewell. Andy only looked at it.


	5. Shaun

Shaun walked into the lounge, yawning loudly. He sat down next to Ed and picked up the second game controller. The familiar robotic female said 'Player two has entered the game". Ed, without looking away, said, "Haven't you got work?"  
   'Player two has left the game' Shaun rose and clambered over Ed. He ran upstairs, got changed and brushed his teeth. He straightened his tie in the mirrored door of the bathroom cabinet, which was ajar. He shut it. Pete was stood just behind him in the reflection, his face puce.  
   "You do know the front door was open again last night?"  
     
   "I'm not saying it was you." They entered the kitchen and Shaun picked up the toast Pete had made him.  
   "I know, man." Shaun said over a mouthful of toast. He took his plate and his cup over to the kitchen table and sat down.  
   "I'm saying it was Ed." Shaun carefully avoided Pete's gaze as he picked up his tea.  
   "Right."  
   "I can't live like this. look at the state of it." He gestured to the kitchen counters which were just discernible. Rubbish and plates covered most of the surfaces available. "We're not students anymore."  
   "Pete..." Shaun started.  
   "It's not like he brings any money into the house."  
   "He brings a bit." Shaun rose and leaned against the fridge.  
   "What, dealing drugs?" Pete moved to stand opposite him.  
   "So he sells a bit of weed now and again. You've sold puff." He sipped his tea.  
   "Yeah, once, at college, to you." Pete sighed and gazed out of the kitchen window which faced the garden. That was as run down as the exterior of the house. It was practically unused.  
   "I've known him since primary school. i like having him around. He's a laugh."  
   "What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo." Pete rolled his eyes.  
   "Leave him alone."  
   "Alright, I admit, he can be pretty funny on occasion." Pete smiled to himself. "Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing Tekken 2."  
   "Oh, yeah!" They both burst into helpless giggles. "When was that?" The laughter died.  
   "That was five years ago. When's he going home?"

Shaun walked into the lounge and sat beside Ed, who was still playing the same video game. He looked at Pete who was watching from the doorway.  
   "Hey man, listen...oh top left!" He pointed at the television screen. On screen, a zombie died.  
   "Thanks."  
   "...I was just going to say...reload!"  
   "On it."  
   "...since you're...ooh nice shot." Shaun laughed in awe.  
   "Thanks." Ed's face lit up with a smug smile.  
   "Since you're in most of the day..." Ed's mobile rung. The ring tone was the theme tune to the film 'Halloween'.  
   "Two seconds." Ed paused the game and answered the phone. "Alright, Noodle?...No, I only got an 'enry. Shortage on...alright. Laters." He put the phone down and resumed the game. Pete walked over and crouched down beside Ed.  
   "Ed, since you're not working at the moment, could you please clean up a bit?"  
   "Yep."  
   "And if you play the answer machine, could you take down everyone's messages, not just your own?"  
   "Yep."  
   "It's not that taxing, is it? Writing something on a little scrap of paper?"  
   "Nope." Pete stood and left. His mobile rung as he put on his jacket. On the back of the jacket were four post-it notes. There was one word written on each: I AM A PRICK. Shaun saw and looked at Ed wearily. "Come on, it was pretty funny." Shaun stood up and adjusted his name badge which read: FOREE ELECTRICS-SHAUN-SALES ADVISOR.  
   "Seriously, will you do what he said?"  
   "I ain't doing nothing for him."  
   "Well, do it for me, then." He turned to leave.  
   "I'm sorry, Shaun."  
   "It's okay."  
   "No, I'm sorry Shaun." Ed smiled grimly at Shaun whose puzzled face turned to disgust as the wave hit him.  
   "Oh man, that's rotten." He covered his nose and mouth, muffling his laughter.  
   "I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing."  
   "I'm not laughing, I'm going." He turned and walked out of the door Pete left ajar.

He opened the gate to the front garden and BANG; a football collided with his face. He turned to see a kid grinning at him. "Oh, you're dead!" He said with a laugh and kicked the football back to the boy. He crossed the road and waved at Pete who was sat in his car, still on the phone. He kept walking, and crossed the path of a homeless man with a dog on a lead. The mans arm was outstretched and Shaun gave him some spare change. He crossed the road again and tripped up the curb. A man cleaning his car noticed, but Shaun played it off like nothing happened. He walked quickly past a man cleaning up litter and a homeless woman pushing a full trolley of her belongings, and entered the newsagent. He grabbed a coke from the fridge and went to the counter. "Nelson?" There was no reply, so Shaun waited and idly scanned the days newspapers. Most had half-covered headlines.

'GM CROPS BLAMED FOR...'

'...UNIDENTIFIED MUTILATED...'

'SUPER-FLU...'

'...DOWNED SATELLITE CAUSES...'

Shaun peered closer. The shopkeeper suddenly appeared behind the counter. Shaun jumped back a step.  
   "Hello, my friend. No beer, today?"  
   "Bit early for me." As he left, a man in a pale suit ran into the shop and demanded that Nelson provided him with Aspirin.  
   "Sold out." Nelson said quietly.

Shaun sat down on the only empty double seat on the bus. The bus was full of blank faced passengers. A pale, pasty young man nodded his head to whatever song was playing through his Walkman, and an older man nodded off. Shaun looked out of the window. On the street, a young woman fainted. One person went to help her. Others seemed to be oblivious.

When he got to work, Shaun was told that his manager was ill and was therefore not in. He was to be manager for the day. He stood by the counter and called for everyone's attention.  
   "Gather round, gather round. Now, as well as Mr Solman being off sick, I'm afraid Ash is also a bit under the weather. So I'm taking charge today as the-"  
   "Oldest." A tall teenager who was chewing gum looked around, waiting for laughs. Feeble chuckles were received.  
   "-senior staff member."  
The same teen raised his hand. "I'm feeling a little bit under the weather, can I have the day off?" There was a ripple of laughter.  
   "No, Ash genuinely is ill. So we're going to have to pull together today-"  A mobile ring tone interrupted him. The teen pulled his phone from his pocket and answered it.  
   "Yeah? Hello, mate."  
   "Noel, could you-"  
   "Two seconds." Noel raised his hand and Shaun conceded weakly. "Yeah, man, I was totally munted. yeah I spoke to him. He's only got an 'enry." Shaun twiddled his biro. "Alright man. Laters." He hung up and put the phone back in his pocket. "Continue."  
   "Thanks. As Mr Sloman says, 'there's no I in Team, but there is an I in Pie.' There's an I in Meat Pie. The anagram of Meat is Team...I don't know what he's talking about." Noel rolled his eyes and brought his phone back out of his pocket and started texting someone. "Phone off please, Noel, yeah? This isn't a social gathering." Shaun pocketed his biro and Noel walked over to him.  
   "Alright. Keep your hair on, granddad."  
   "Hey, I'm only twenty-nine for Christ sake. How old are you? Twenty, twenty-two?"  
   "Seventeen." Shaun was thrown.  
   "Really? Look Noel, I know you don't want to be here forever. Neither do I. I have things I want to do with my life."  
   "When?" Noel pointed to Shaun's pocket, where his biro had leaked. "You've got red on you."

Shaun stood by the televisions, waiting for customers. A young couple walked in and pointed at a new television in the window display. They discussed it quietly between themselves. Shaun slowly made his way toward them. He couldn't help overhearing the conversation Noel was having down the phone at the counter.  
   "Yes, Mr Butterman. I hear you perfectly well. A phone system? Of course, we are an electrics company. Yes, I'll ask for someone to go around to the house within the next week to install the system. you're welcome." He could be polite when he needed to be.  
   "Hello, how may I help you?"  
   "We're looking to buy a television?"  
   "Of course. Do you want a newer model?"  
   "Yes, please."  
   "Let me show you some." He led them to the much newer TVs and picked up a remote control. He turned the television on and flicked through the channels. "This one comes with a digital package. You've got your lifestyle channels, you've got your entertainment channels, you've got your news channels..." His voice faded out as the screen filled with images of a crash site. People in white suits. A grave-looking scientist. A distraught vox pop. A convoy of military trucks, red lights flashing.  
   "Shaun!" He jumped.  
   "I'm with a customer."  
   "It's your dad!" Shaun looked at the middle aged man who was stood looking at the DVD players in the corner of the shop. He apologised to his customers and went over. The man placed his gloved hands on the counter in front of him and forced himself to make eye contact with Shaun.  
   "Philip."  
   "Shaun. I trust you haven't forgotten about tomorrow?"  
   "No..." Shaun blushed.  
   "Your bi-monthly visit."  
   "I haven't forgotten."  
   "You could bring the flowers you forgot to send Barbara on Mothers Day."  
   "I was gonna."  
   "And not some cheap posy from a garage forecourt."  
   "I wasn't gonna."  
   "Well, we'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow then." They glared at each other and Shaun watched him leave. In the street outside, there was another convoy of military trucks, red lights flashing.  
   "Thought this wasn't a social gathering?" Shaun turned to find Noel's face inches from his own.  
   "What?"  
   "How come you're allowed to talk to your dad?"  
   "Look, A: he's not my dad, and B: it was an emergency."  
   "What, buying your mum some flowers?" Noel's friends chuckled quietly, watching the conversation.  
   "...yes." Shaun blushed. "Look, Noel, whatever you might think, I don't find it difficult to keep my work and social life separate." They held eye contact, glaring. The phone rung.  
   "Shaun. Liz for you." The assistant held out the handset. Shaun took it without looking away from Noel.  
   "Hello."  
   "Hello, it's me."  
   "Hello."  
   "Just quickly, did you get my message?"  
   "Yep."  
   "Oh, so, it's all sorted?"  
   "Yep."  
   "Oh, okay, cool. See you later then."  
   "Goodbye Liz."  
   "Bye-bye-bye." Shaun hung up and put the handset down. He turned back to Noel.  
   "Liz. Head office. Nothing to panic about."

A screaming man ran past the window of the florist. Shaun watched him.  
   "Sir?" Shaun looked back at the florist behind the counter. She was stood, looking at him with empty eyes. and a pen in her hand.  
   "Sorry, yeah, they're for my mum." The florist produced some tags from under the counter.  
   "'To a Wonderful Mum' or 'POW! Super-mum'?"  
   "Um...the first one." She handed it to him and he wrote a message on it. He handed it back and looked out of the window again, out towards the street. On the other side of the road, on a small green, was a man who was wearing scuffed jeans and a ripped jacket. His grey hair was pressed to his head with a dirty beanie hat. He was surrounded by pigeons. He swiped at them and almost lost balance. He tried one more time and, to Shaun's surprise, caught one with his bare hands. He raised the struggling pigeon to his mouth and a double-decker bus pulled up outside the shop. Shaun craned his neck to see through the windows, unsuccessfully. The bus pulled away slowly, revealing the green again. The man and all the pigeons were gone.                                                                                                                                                               


End file.
